It's barely 1-am, everyone is sound asleep but me and it's looking to be a long night.
I was asleep. It was the ususal story; Zoe fussed, wanting to nurse, we switched sides and we drifted back to sleep.
Except, I woke up. You see it's hot and still tonight - the kind of night that is undeniably part of Summer. The sheets were too hot, and the sleeping bodies, and the quiet was too loud, and then the thoughts came to drown it all out.
It was the bees that started the whole thing. Yes, I blame it on the bees.
It's been a long time since the bees have buzzed around our house, but they came back the other morning. You see, I'm not talking about the insect kind, I'm talking about Liam and Olivia. They have both grown so much in thier few short years. She's such a little girl, he's such a little boy. Lately the boys and girls seem to spend a great deal of time labelling the world as 'boy stuff' and 'girl stuff' instead of just playing. I guess it's just the way of 4 year olds, creating order in thier worlds despite egalitarian parenting goals.
But the other morning they were Bees. They had a hive behind the 'Thinking Chair' and they would venture forth, buzzing, to collect 'pollen' from all over the house. They confiscated the coyboy-and-indian-jar as thier honey pot for collecting pollen. The whole game was far more elaborate than it used to be but it was all thiers. It was a game they used to play - last Summer.
Last Summer Liam announced that he didn't like girls and that Olivia was his best friend... in the same sentence.
Last Summer our families spent so many hours together I couldn't begin to count them.
The Summer before Maria and I were both pregnant, and in two Yoga classes together, and sometimes inseperable, and our families spent so many hours together I couldn't begin to count them.
The last two Summer's have meant lots of dropping by and unexpected visits with Francis and Maria. You see, they bought a house around the corner, and like us have no other family in town - so it was easy and comfortable. And Olivia was Liam's best friend.
Ok, maybe the Bees didn't start it. I think maybe it was Sunday.
Suddenly it was Summer. And we were in the yard - which we can't do in the winter due to the lake/swamp that appears - and then it was time to go to Maria and Francis's. Not for dinner, or a beer - although we stayed for a beer and ate cake - but to pick up our furniture. They had been storing a few pieces for us that had become a comfortable part of their living room. So picked up our furniture, and some stepping stones. The kids played in the sand box and picked flowers, Steve and Francis moved the stuff back to our place, and Maria and I chatted in the garden... And then we went home, and they drove Francis to the Ferry... It was a nice hour in the middle of the afternoon. It was easy, it was comfortable. And it was the last time we can ever do that again.
There, I wrote it. I said it on Sunday to Steve, I told it to Andrea the next day, but writing it here makes it so final. And thinking about that in the deafening quiet of this hot Summer night I can no longer hide from how terrible it feels to be losing this family that has become such an integral part of our lives. And finally, with the last boxes being packed, and Maria and the kids moving in with Andrea tomorrow it finally hits me and I'm overwhelmed with the pain that I'm feeling. I've spent the winter cold and numb to this impending loss and now it's Summer, and I can't stop crying.
